My Final Story...(read only u got 30 mins to spare)

I did something wrong to him. I admit its my fault for causing all these to happened.
For 3 years, alot of 'storms'. Got happy times and sad times. I dun believe in divorce and to be frank I hate to make the 'mistake' that I did to cause this failure. I also saw his blog too. I realise his blog is only talking about one grave mistake I made...but wat I am blogging here is the mistakes he did for the past 3 years.

=Initial stage: Things come fast, end fast too=
Got attached 2 months after Alan left me. Met up with alot of new friends but eventually only have feelings for Eugene. After 2 months of dating, eventually we decided to settle down. For the fact that I am tired of hopping from one relationship to another, I am ready to settle down for him. He, after 5 yrs of being single, decided to settle down with me too. His mum was quite objective on it as its simply too fast but we eventually went ahead without thinking much. Alot of his friends thought it was a shot-gun case but till date we have no kids yet. Is it really true love that bring us together? I must admit that my feelings for Eugene cultivated only after getting ROMed. Who says that feelings cannot be cultivated? I did. I trust him. We plan for our wedding. Although he is not from a well to do family, eventually I tell myself as long as we both work hard together towards our goals, we will eventually stay happily ever after. Alot of my friends feels that its too fast to settle down without knowing the person well. Though I know that, BUT I TOT MARRIAGE CAN CHANGE A PERSON...I am so very the wrong. That's when all the nitemare comes.

=Planning Stage=
We or should I say I wanted to take things fast. Alot of things got cropped up during the process of planning. Arguments started. He doesn't have a stable job. None of the jobs he worked will last more than 3 months. And wedding date is getting nearer but we doesn't seems to have a stable income to work with. I slog alone in my job. All my bonuses and salary goes to 'wedding fund' which is used to pay for bridal packages, banquet deposits, etc. Hence, till now I have not really splurge on nice overseas tour which has always been my wish. I dun mind, cos as long as I can do sumthing I like, its ok. Alot of times for money, we quarrel, argued, cry,...and we have different views on alot of things which really makes me goes into depress mode. I thought he would understand me and help me with it, in the end, what I got from him is shouting and scolding. Alot of times I just wish to pack my things and leave but eventually gave this r/s another chance to try. Alot of effort put in and I dunwan my effort to be put to waste. I request both of us to attend 'Marriage Preparation Course' so as to align our mentality and work hard together towards our goals. Out of 10 couples, we are the only couple who got things worst after attending the course. To me I find the course very meaninful and he finds it a bullshit. We quarrel and we did made the decision to call off the wedding. But for dunoe watever reason, we tok things out again and try again.
Here comes the flat. We saw a resale flat that we like alot which is juz above my parents'. The condition of the flat is quite good and hence we tot tat we can save abit but doing DIY minor renovation like repainting on our own etc but cos of me and my stupidity of wanting to stay in a 'trendier' flat, got me into debts. Initially after calculation we decided not to get the flat due money issues and decided to forgo the $200 i paid for the deposit but least did we expect, the previous owner verbally agree to drop the case but he 'stabbed' us behind. We are not require to go down for our 1st appt cos we wanted to drop the case, but last min my agent call me and say they will still go down to process. If we dont go down, it will be somesort like our fault of breaching the case. We went down. We had problem with his name as his mum nid his name with hers to form a family nucleus to hold his mum's flat. We went to MP for help and visited HDB branch office alot of times just to get it settled. Sigh. Then we bought the flat on impulse and eventually we need to pay $5k hard cash cos we buy above valuation. As I am unable to get the $5k loan on time, my friend willing to lend me the money first and when the loan got thru, then i returned him. I trust Eugene with the money. Been waiting from Monday till Wedesnday just wanted him to go HDB to pay up the deposit but...on Wed when the HDB officer called me about it, then I realise half of the $5k is gone. :( Till now, I dun even noe where the money goes too. I have no choice but to take the $2.5k from the loan, top up with the balance to go pay the HDB on my own. I cried. To me its so impt and yet he did that to me.
Soon, he lied to me about his jobs, and everything which I think I shld know as a spouse. So eventually for that 1 yr plus, he doesnt have a proper job. The flat's contribution thru CPF he only managed to pay 1.5 mths and afterwhich I supported the flat all alone, by closing my cpf investments just to finance the flat for 2 yrs. I cry alot...i weep at night...who knows? No one. I stay strong, I tell myself I can do it! I tok to him about his job, he will 'entertain' me awhile then eventally go back the same.

=After Wedding=
We got into tons of debts just for this wedding alone. My parents saw that I am really very stress over financial, my parents sold their 3 room flat just to help me ease the load of my current flat and shifted up with us. My dad also spare some of his retirement $ for me to pay off some debts. Made a silly mistake by doing renovation to the flat and also using some credit cards to pay off furnitures and wedding packages and till date, they are all sky high debts. Whenever I tok to him about my financial stress, he would feels tat i am nagging him and started getting frastrated. In order to prevent tat from happening, cos i wan him to be happy which i will then be happy, i stop tellin him all my money stress and come out with a conclusion that I can go get another part time to finance the flat. Got a part time job at Katong Settlers with the help of a poly friend. Worked for a few mths. He got angry for me going home late as the place closes late and sometimes i went supper with colleagues. Eventually I got to leave this job cos of his unhappiness.
Soon, he found a job at CAAS call centre. This job is recommended thru agency. He 'survived' the 3 months of probabtion and they offered him a permanent position. The pay there is quite substantial for our house finances and eventually I am quite happy about it.
For once, he brought me to Ritz Carlton to see fireworks. I am really very happy about it. We have yet to go for a decent honeymoon till date and so Ritz Carlton really drives me high. Its really once a blue moon. Not long before things got back same again. Soon, he got out of CAAS job for watever apparent reason. I dunoe the reason cos he told his friend one story and tells me another. Lies again.
During his jobless period, his mum has been helping to finance the flat as well as his ciggy and food and transport money. Sometimes we go out, I was the one who paid for everything. Its so often that I forgot when is the last time he paid for something.
When he is out of job, he is always in his room gaming. He can game till wee hours then sleep. Eventually our hours became 'i-sleep-he-game' and 'i-work-he-sleep'. Every night i sleep alone. I tried going to his 'gaming world' but once i started playing tis game, he changed for another. When I ask him to play with me, a gaming idiot, he play awhile and started getting bored over some silly qns i asked and got frastrated. Then I scared to ask or disturb him anymore when he is gaming. I tried for awhile, bringing my lap top over to accompany him but wat i see is only his back...like god of gambler. He play his game, I play mine and see his back. And I dunoe y i always tok at the wrong time. I hate to see his frastrated face so eventually i went back my room to surf.
Every month end is my stress day. For his jobless, I worried about him, about how my parents sees him, about our debts...till now, he dun even noe how much is our renovation loan a month cos I am the only one handling bills.
At this moment, I got lonely, I felt that I lost a 'husband'. I really wish to be the monitor or play the game he plays so that I can msg him in game cos most of the time he is in it. I simply dunoe how to. My stress, I cant share with anyone and I also dun wish to really seek help from others unless i am really helpless. Only during this time, I started making new friends. Some friends who do not know my background and yet can give constructive advice. And some of them are really true friends who really helped me to tide over my stress. I asked myself, aint this the responsibility of a 'husband'? For this marriage, I stopped clubbing, stopped drinking and REALLY stopped all 'strangers' contacting for him. Wat did I get in returned?
Eventually I got back to clubbing scene. I am not rich so I can only afford free parties and free drinks. I love to dance. Dancing can release stress. I go drink...not bcos I love drinking but cos I emo too much recently that I want to numb myself away from problems! :( It works somehow...but after some serious thoughts, its quite useless. I guess by now you should know what has all these leads to.

=After the 'fact'=
He realised that, got angry, we shouted, he wrote something to me behind our portrait. Very touched with what he said, but if he says all these and willing to change 1 year ago, probably things will not turn out tis way. He slapped me yesterday for doing that. Calls me a slut from level 3 down to carpark where I am still in pain. His mum blame me for wat had happened and the fact that I hurt him alot for that incident. I wont blame them for doing tat cos eventually they will know the facts. 3 years of sufferring vs 1 grave mistake made, I got back 1 tight slap (in my entire 27 yrs) and name callings, I think we are balanced. He called me after that, telling me he is sorry for that slap and he heart pain after he do tat. He taught me something which i always remembered 'its like u slap someone and say sorry, got use meah?'. I told him watever u did is done. There is no way u can 'retrieve' that slap back. I still see the wound on my face. He asked me is there anything he can do to cover that slap. I said no. He then said, in future if there is sumthing everyone else cant do, i go to him and he do for me. I told him now what you need to do is to pls DO NOT shout at his mum, treat her well for she has always been caring towards you and please get a job and support her. Thats the best thing u can do for me. And next is to make our divorce a smooth procedure that's all.

I din cry cos my tears are dried up 1 year back. There are of cos more things done to hurt me but I dun wish to mention anymore. Wat I did now is to give him back his happiness in life. Till now I admit its my fault, but this will eventually make both of us a better person.

HIS BLOG = http://evilclive.blogs.friendster.com/place_for_laugh_at_my_foo/