Yes, right..WTF. Things got messed up cos of ME and my 'imagination' again.
I guess its really time to stop toking about all these cos we just cant stop arguing when both our GOOD intentions turns BAD.
In our 3 yrs 67 days relationship, I am always in the wrong. Till this very date also. I guess I am very wrong that I thought we can still be friends, but I guess we will start blaming each other again if we talks. Till now, you still cant get 'I got more guy friends (to flirt [u said, nt me])' out of your mind. You still blames me for watever I did. What I wrote in the previous blog entry is NEVER a anger or hatred msg but this is how you perceive it.
Like I want to tell you again, FINALLY I GIVE UP trying to be YOUR FRIEND (even if you don't treat me like one) or maybe like you and Serene, things will only get better a few years later or when you found someone else. I will just wait for that day to come.
Cried alot yesterday. Road is cold and lonely now. Every part of my life hits barriers now. I am so weak, so sad, so cold. That very moment I felt I should just end my life. The moment when I drive on roads, I PRAY and WISH that someone would just bang into my car and let me die instantly. First time in my life I pray to God to give me the power to die. I wish that God could bring me with him or perhaps just throw me to hell for doing so many bad things to him. I am sick and tired of it. Every morning, my mum stress me...not for those problems affecting her, I wont get so emo at all. I am so sad. As a dotter, I cant even keep her happy.
Stayed on car for a while at a remote carpark somewhere out there. Felt the whole world is pointing at me. Hallucination...crazy...bonkers...will I turn out to be like my ex who went on medication for hallucination? Depress, helpless, dunoe wat I shld do its all on my mind that very moment. Thought of those movie scene where people die in their cars and how they did that? Sigh, no courage at all to do it.
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I have only 1 thing to to do.
I DARE u to say from ur heart that i was wrong abt u having so many guys to flirt around. If I'm wrong then how do u explain abt the guy called JIMMY HUI?
U really think there is a GOD? Stop being so naive. Theres no such thing as a GOD. Its only something made up for naive stupid human beings to throw all their problems at whenever they canot find a way out to channel out their problems. I believe u can tell from our conversation on the fone just now i'm really very pissed at what u have written and how u see of me up to now. So what if i tried? Dont u rmb our last fone conversation that i told u for the month of oct i'll only pass u the money if i have excess cash on hand after paying my debts 1st? I believe u did forget, cos in ur mind all u can rmb is i will pay for whatever things i owe. I did not jump to conclusion this time cos ur words have alrdy proven me right. Whatever u said u would change are something i dont see u changing at all. They're nth but bullshit. Yes u r right, even up to now i still feel that u are happily enjoying the attention other guys are giving u. U know this very well urself, u may be able to lie to ur frds and u can even tell me thats not true, but i dont think i will buy that lame excuse of urs anymore.
After what u have written recently, i can only tell u, for my case with serene will nvr happen on me and u. For her case, she did not do anything wrong, even if she 2 timed me its my fault cos i'm always not by her side cos i'm in DB. I was nvr outside with her thats y she 2 timed. I can understand how she feels. But for u, u always claimed i'm not there for u when u nid me. But u go ask urself, where was i all the time? AT HOME WAITING FOR U THATS WHERE. Even after that incident i tried to to forget abt what happened, although i hate ppl who deveived me yet i still chose to forgive u, but what have u done again? U ACCUSED ME! Do u know how fcuking hurt i am when u accused me? I duno that even being hardworking, doing work until i got no time to log in msn is also wrong to u. i duno that telling u my house fone number when i know i wont be topping up my M card is also wrong to u. Up to now at this present moment, whatever i do, u still see it as something wrong. So why the fcuk shld i be working so hard everyday when i still get accused?
I might cool down after a few yrs but lemme tell u this, u have alrdy just became a passer-by in my life cos u just screwed ur last chance as a frd. I can forgive u for 2 timing me, but i will NEVER EVER FORGIVE u for accusing me and i will NEVER FORGET the hurt u have done to me by 2 timing me when u r my wife and not my gf.
Even if ur internet is cut, i still know u have ur ways to entertaining urself. cos u were nvr short of guys to date EVEN DURING THE TIME WHEN U R MARRIED. I DARE U TO SAY NO TO THAT SENTENCE! Do u know y i have become like this? This is becos i love u so deeply b4 until now all my love have turned into deep hatred for u. I wun do anything to u dun worry, i will not not repeat any of my mistakes. I will only sit back here and enjoy my life. I wont give u any chance to mock at me. So what if i'm mean? u think i care now? I'll be waiting for the papers u have mentioned abt in ur blog. Keep this in mind, if anything is not stated as our agreement on the papers, u can forget abt me signing them.
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